Phoenix Drive review
Dec. 11th, 2021 06:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pan2000Ladies and Gentlemen, we found the biggest, meanest, most disturbing mockery of Ace Attorney in history. The author is Japanese, though they TRY to write English. And fail more horribly than Frank Shawit and Richard Wellington!
Because the sentences make no sense. Since recently I only sporked Starfleet Magic and saw Jedi Prince and Junior Inquisitor, I had forgotten how true evil looks like.
So, apart from the grammar, which is obviously the murder victim of this case, what else is wrong about this? EVERYTHING! First of all, nothing is like canon. The prosecutor of 1-1 is Franziska von Karma. Who appears in the second game the first time! And Phoenix calls 1-1 his eleventh case. (Only now do I understand why this fuck-up happened!)
Everyone is OOC for some reason. Phoenix is like Larry Butz, but worse. Mia Fey gets it the worst. I am sure canon her is against forging evidence and... I will leave that other part for later. The only one remotely close to being IC is Wendy Oldbag, which is not a good thing as she has the most annoying personality in Ace Attorney. And even then, this Oldbag crosses lines her canon self wouldn't.
The trials make no sense at all and are sped up very fast, with you unable to do anything. Oh yeah, this is a game. You have to do and see the atrocities there yourself (I merely watched it because it's hilarious).
But the plot is weak because it's an excuse plot. Not for the gameplay, of course, is this a good arcade game?
Nope. It's a porn game. After you lose the first trial, Mia channels the alive Franziska (the magic in this game is NOTHING like canon!), and somehow is still in control! And then she removes your weakness by raping you.
I would say this is the point the game pulls back its hair and swirls a chalice it brought out of its ass, but that would imply it wasn't utter shit from the start.
You know what? My words don't show how bad the game is. Maybe a line from it will show why I was laughing my ass off and why, while usually I try to see the good in everything, I am this mean.
"? It’s Milky cock…cumimg?
Ohh…! Cum,Cummm…! Cock Milk….!!"
This is from Part 1, the least awful of the three. But wait, it gets worse! Phoenix lies he is a criminal who did it with the victim to win his case against Franziska (who SURPRISINGLY doesn't whip him), then stays free and fucks Maya. Who, by the way, works as a prostitute in this game. (In canon, she is close to a monk!)
Why don't they use female characters who actually act like whores in canon and choose Maya? There are April May and Dahlia Hawthorne already! No need to corrupt the Feys!
It's the same as the first part, with "cock milk" returning.
Also, Larry Butz is aware of being in this game, because one of his quotes is...
Butz: Nick… Thanks…Give me Death sentence. I’m tired...Good bye my life.
I would be suicidal too if stuck on this game.
But Chapter 3 is pure evil. If the first two parts are children of Engarde and Dahlia Hawthorne, the last one is a result of Matt doing anal to Dollie, and this is her shit when he finished. Trust me, what I said now is less disgusting than that part itself.
For starters, we have to see Oldbag naked, it's implied she has Edgeworth as a sex slave, and she grooms Pearl to be like her. PEARL. A KID. Oh, and then you and Pearl... no, no, no, the developer must be trolling. Otherwise, they have ISSUES. Serious issues. And no, magically growing her up only physically and temporarily is nothing but a pathetic attempt to conceal being a scumbag!
It's also the one part where I stopped laughing, because it's just horrible. Despite this shit being porn, I was never stimulated, not even in the first part, because there is no sense of consent or morality, or no sense at all! And seriously, whoever unironically likes the third part needs a visit from the FBI and therapy.
But yeah, the horrible English and horrible everything at least can provide a good laugh. So, after thanking the game for probably helping my health a lot for being so ridiculous, I will still give it what it deserves.
Guilty as Sin/10, which is a zero. Even Nobunaga-Sensei is more subtle than this codswallop.
Because the sentences make no sense. Since recently I only sporked Starfleet Magic and saw Jedi Prince and Junior Inquisitor, I had forgotten how true evil looks like.
So, apart from the grammar, which is obviously the murder victim of this case, what else is wrong about this? EVERYTHING! First of all, nothing is like canon. The prosecutor of 1-1 is Franziska von Karma. Who appears in the second game the first time! And Phoenix calls 1-1 his eleventh case. (Only now do I understand why this fuck-up happened!)
Everyone is OOC for some reason. Phoenix is like Larry Butz, but worse. Mia Fey gets it the worst. I am sure canon her is against forging evidence and... I will leave that other part for later. The only one remotely close to being IC is Wendy Oldbag, which is not a good thing as she has the most annoying personality in Ace Attorney. And even then, this Oldbag crosses lines her canon self wouldn't.
The trials make no sense at all and are sped up very fast, with you unable to do anything. Oh yeah, this is a game. You have to do and see the atrocities there yourself (I merely watched it because it's hilarious).
But the plot is weak because it's an excuse plot. Not for the gameplay, of course, is this a good arcade game?
Nope. It's a porn game. After you lose the first trial, Mia channels the alive Franziska (the magic in this game is NOTHING like canon!), and somehow is still in control! And then she removes your weakness by raping you.
I would say this is the point the game pulls back its hair and swirls a chalice it brought out of its ass, but that would imply it wasn't utter shit from the start.
You know what? My words don't show how bad the game is. Maybe a line from it will show why I was laughing my ass off and why, while usually I try to see the good in everything, I am this mean.
"? It’s Milky cock…cumimg?
Ohh…! Cum,Cummm…! Cock Milk….!!"
This is from Part 1, the least awful of the three. But wait, it gets worse! Phoenix lies he is a criminal who did it with the victim to win his case against Franziska (who SURPRISINGLY doesn't whip him), then stays free and fucks Maya. Who, by the way, works as a prostitute in this game. (In canon, she is close to a monk!)
Why don't they use female characters who actually act like whores in canon and choose Maya? There are April May and Dahlia Hawthorne already! No need to corrupt the Feys!
It's the same as the first part, with "cock milk" returning.
Also, Larry Butz is aware of being in this game, because one of his quotes is...
Butz: Nick… Thanks…Give me Death sentence. I’m tired...Good bye my life.
I would be suicidal too if stuck on this game.
But Chapter 3 is pure evil. If the first two parts are children of Engarde and Dahlia Hawthorne, the last one is a result of Matt doing anal to Dollie, and this is her shit when he finished. Trust me, what I said now is less disgusting than that part itself.
For starters, we have to see Oldbag naked, it's implied she has Edgeworth as a sex slave, and she grooms Pearl to be like her. PEARL. A KID. Oh, and then you and Pearl... no, no, no, the developer must be trolling. Otherwise, they have ISSUES. Serious issues. And no, magically growing her up only physically and temporarily is nothing but a pathetic attempt to conceal being a scumbag!
It's also the one part where I stopped laughing, because it's just horrible. Despite this shit being porn, I was never stimulated, not even in the first part, because there is no sense of consent or morality, or no sense at all! And seriously, whoever unironically likes the third part needs a visit from the FBI and therapy.
But yeah, the horrible English and horrible everything at least can provide a good laugh. So, after thanking the game for probably helping my health a lot for being so ridiculous, I will still give it what it deserves.
Guilty as Sin/10, which is a zero. Even Nobunaga-Sensei is more subtle than this codswallop.
