The Eye of Argon review

[pan2000]

Yesterday, I was curious to see what that Eye of Argon is. I remembered the first paragraphs only, and that I wondered how it even got published.

This book was written by a teenager who thought sex, extreme violence and purple prose are all you need for a good story. I can assure you, while the protagonist is an asshole, the author deserves no mockery because he just had no idea how to write and only knew the basics. Ok, maybe for the fact that the book makes no sense at all and is bad to the point of self-parody.

The beginning has Grignr, and you need to be a wizard to spell it without laughing, acting like he is a PC of FATAL. First, he slaughters a few guards with ease, then he looks lustfully at one of the corpses, then he gets in a tavern and makes out with a prostitute (and, btw, the word "slut" is uttered even for men, even from nobles), then he kills a drunk before he gets arrested.

Our Big Bad, the prince Aghanim (I don't remember how he is really called, but it just reminds me of a better villain), is a caricature of both aristocrats and overweight people, he is so evil, fat and petty it's laughable. He is also incompetent, though at least he could beat Terl.

Of course, the whore from earlier returns to be the love interest in the most ridiculous ripoff of Temple of Doom, where the corrupt priests (called "shamen", you know, like "semen") worship the titular eye. A red emerald. Because what the fuck is a ruby? Worse, the eyes of the characters are ALWAYS described as gems, which shows the author loves them but has done a poor research. Which only consists of playing Sonic. (Btw, why are they called "Chaos Emeralds" and not Chaos Crystals? It would make more sense)

Her name is... Cathrina? I think? No, it's Carthena. At least she was spared for being named something worse. She is notable for kicking a cultist in the testicles and his reaction taking a long, long time!

She also gets to set our Big Bad on fire. Somehow, she is less offensive to women than Bella. Barely. In spite of the emphasis on combat, blood and gore, Grignr never faces a worthy foe until the very final fight, which gives him Stu points. The true final boss is the Eye itself, which becomes a carnivorous slime, maybe one of the toughest not including Rimuru Tempest.

Cathrina does nothing but cling to Grignr and be scared in that fight, in spite of being able to burn someone earlier, and our barbarian finally meets his match... but the story ends mid-fight, without a proper concluding sentence! Come on! At 16, I was also bad at writing, but knew not to do that! Also, I don't like overt purple prose. Especially when it makes the text hard to understand and words like "ejaculate" are used to make the sentences richer. Also, the way eyes are described reminds me of My Inner Life.

The book is full of plot holes. Grignr is described as coming from a certain country, before he tells us about his country. It could easily describe one of the enemies. Also, the deities are known as Argon and Sargon. I feel creative now. The latter, of course, is just mentioned, has no impact in the plot, only the fat prince serving him has... a little. Also, I am surprised Grignr didn't get executed for badmouthing a tyrant to his face... twice.

Since the book made me laugh and, unlike other bad works, the unfortunate implications are unintentional, I will be generous and give a 1.8/10. Because it made my brain ejaculate with laughter, and my brown emeralds be filled with nonsense, and oh my God it's hilarious.