Death Battle! Harrymort vs DIO!
Mar. 22nd, 2021 11:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pan2000I am a Jojo fan and saw the last sporked chapter of Perfect Lionheart. Where he ranted about how pathetic vampires are while his dryads are so much better amirite?
I wonder how his Stu would fare against an actually competent vampire...
Harrymort was in Godric's Hollow, observing his new empire. Soon he would add more sex slaves. That price was nothing compared to eternal beauty, power and immortality, so he was doing them a favor... obviously.
He was also cleaning the Wizarding World from undesirables. And nothing was more disgusting for him than vampires and homosexuals.
Suddenly, inside Godric's Hollow, a blond vampire with a very muscular body appears.
Harrymort decides to stop it and be hailed as a hero. And that means more trophy wives.
"How did you get past the wall, the guards and my dryads?"
"Ho ho... I, DIO, couldn't be stopped by a few lesser immortals. After all, there is not much difference between dryads and vampires. Immortality, beauty, power, the loss of humanity..."
DIO strokes Harrymort's chin.
Harrymort jumps back and starts a very long rant about how the two are totally different, how dryads make better breeders than vampires, how vampires are disgusting and evil, and how gays and transexuals are gross.
Dio yawns. "Are you finished? I know you pretend to be a hero, but I have faced actual heroes. A man who would never give up. He caused me setback after setback, and even when I killed him, he still saw me as the brother I never could be to him. I had to do so. He destroyed my body, so I stole his. And he did not see his wife as a machine for kids."
Harrymort starts ranting again. "He still saw you as a brother? I suppose you tormented him a lot in the past?"
"Yes, and did not regret it until he conrered me the penultimate time. I even burned his dog alive."
"Well, it makes good food."
"Hmmm... you are more like me than him."
"Of course. He was meek, weak, pathetic, if he still cared about you, abusive bastard! And if he was really virtuous, why didn't he get more women?"
DIO's eyes turn purple. "What did you say about Jojo?"
Harrymort turns into his Nemean Lion form, making a long and redundant explanation about how DIO is obviously attacking. And he turns into a ball like Sonic, avoiding the Space Ripper Stingy Eyes.
Then he roars, not intimidating the bloodsucker at all.
"Is that all you've got, sweetie? A big kitty? Jojo could decapitate me with his bare hands and take me down for a hundred years with his throat pierced!"
Harrymort lunges, his unicorn speed surpassing any vampire's... but DIO appears right behind him.
"Weakling, weakling. Let's see how you deal with these knives, my dear!"
He throws knives with exceptional strength, and they go very fast. They hit the Nemean Lion and bounce off its skin. The lion lunges two more times, but DIO keeps dodging with ease. He also dodges a third time, and Harrymort tries to figure out how DIO is teleporting.
Yes, obviously he is teleporting. And he will of course emerge behind or on top of him, and Harrymort makes a long exposition about why. After his fourth lunge, Harrymort plans to immediately turn and attack behind him.
Suddenly, he has no idea how, he is launched backwards, a hole in his belly.
DIO chuckles. "Weakling, weakling! You need to try harder than that, love!"
Harrymort changes back to human form. And makes a long rant. "Ugh... vampires are all supposed to be weak and pathetic. My unicorn parts are faster than any weak bloodsucker. Soon, this hole will close as my body heals itself. That's the power of the fairy magic."
"You know, your rants are boring. Fitting someone who pretends to be a Joestar. To be clever and crafty and brave."
Harrymort knows how to deal with vampires. He draws his bow and prepares a shield-piercing, fiery arrow with acid and light, straight to the heart, to make sure he ends any vampire, no matter how powerful.
DIO extends his arms and yells "ZA WARUDO!"
Both Harrymort and the arrow freeze, and DIO gets behind the dark wizard. Then he equips his Stand.
"An attack that combines a lot of lethal things? Wow. Getting a lot of power handed to you is an advantage, but against people who know what they are doing, it is...
FUTILE! FUTILE! FUTILE! FUTILE! FUTILE!"
After landing a lot of punches with his Stand, DIO launches Harrymort straight into his own arrow.
Time flows once more, and the bisexual vampire raises his fist to finish off Harrymort... who draws a cross to scare the bloodsucker.
DIO falls to the ground. "No! You found my weakness! Small crosses! I am scared!"
Then he gets up. "Hinjaku, hinjaku!"
Harrymort is about to launch another rant about how crosses should work, but he decides to use Aquamenti instead to decompose his body.
DIO gets hit by it and actually knocked down. "Amazing. You made me almost as wet as my minions, Vanilla Ice and Pucci, do."
Harrymort starts getting pissed off. A vampire shouldn't be able to stand up to him. He casts mighty flames and makes three streams home on DIO from three directions.
The World blocks the front stream, but the other two hit the bisexual vampire and start burning him.
"WRYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
Harrymort smirks. "Yes! Now you are acting like a vampire!"
DIO knows he has lost the advantage. However, he is not someone who will spare bystanders. Knowing the damage from the flames would take a long time to heal by itself, he stops time and runs from the fight. He spots one of the Dryads and drinks all of her blood. He didn't know that she would return if her tree was intact, or that he would do her a favor if she did die.
He just wanted to heal at someone's expense.
And he returns.
Harrymort is surprised. "You must be a minion of Voldemort. No, Dumbledore!"
"Who are they? And I serve nobody but myself! People serve ME!"
Harrymort casts giant lions of flames and scorches the ground. The houses nearby are destroyed, but Harrymort knows he can rebuild them and people will thank him for it. DIO enjoys the destruction, aware he would die himself if he wasn't able to stop time and fly. He does so and gets in a very safe distance.
"He is too powerful. I must beat him before the Sun rises! I have the perfect weapon for that."
Harrymort stands triumphant. "He probably ran away. Cowardly vampires. They can't attack anyone who can actually fight back. For this victory, I am going to get some women. Maybe a female Joestar would like to join my Dryads..."
And he starts ranting about how much of a god he is and how he is the true hero his old self and that Jojo never were, and how people need to worship him now for his heroism.
Then he hears a very loud voice from the sky.
"RODA ROLLA DA!"
Harrymort would manage to resist a steamroller if he was still the Nemean Lion... but DIO stops time and prevents him from transforming. So the road roller smashes the human form of Harrymort, who can't even dodge! Then DIO starts elbowing the steamroller to make it burrow underground. "MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA!"
And it crashes through the street.
"I did it. Puny humans and trees! I shall rule you all! Bow down to your one true master!"
But suddenly, the road roller starts shaking. DIO charges the Space Ripper Stingy Eyes.
And as Harrymort, back to the Nemean Lion, barely managed to get out due to his injuries, the Space Ripper Stingy Eyes pierce his open mouth with ease.
"Finally. This will make you shut up."
Both were cocky, and Harrymort was powerful enough to damage DIO. But he forgot DIO was just as evil and far smarter than Harrymort. The Space Ripper Stingy Eyes could bypass durability, the road roller was useful unless Harrymort became a Nemean Lion, and of course the Time Stop helped DIO dodge Harrymort's overpowered arrows with ease. Also, DIO doesn't have some common vampire weaknesses like the cross.
In the end, DIO did a good deed and had no idea.
The winner is DIO.
I wonder how his Stu would fare against an actually competent vampire...
Harrymort was in Godric's Hollow, observing his new empire. Soon he would add more sex slaves. That price was nothing compared to eternal beauty, power and immortality, so he was doing them a favor... obviously.
He was also cleaning the Wizarding World from undesirables. And nothing was more disgusting for him than vampires and homosexuals.
Suddenly, inside Godric's Hollow, a blond vampire with a very muscular body appears.
Harrymort decides to stop it and be hailed as a hero. And that means more trophy wives.
"How did you get past the wall, the guards and my dryads?"
"Ho ho... I, DIO, couldn't be stopped by a few lesser immortals. After all, there is not much difference between dryads and vampires. Immortality, beauty, power, the loss of humanity..."
DIO strokes Harrymort's chin.
Harrymort jumps back and starts a very long rant about how the two are totally different, how dryads make better breeders than vampires, how vampires are disgusting and evil, and how gays and transexuals are gross.
Dio yawns. "Are you finished? I know you pretend to be a hero, but I have faced actual heroes. A man who would never give up. He caused me setback after setback, and even when I killed him, he still saw me as the brother I never could be to him. I had to do so. He destroyed my body, so I stole his. And he did not see his wife as a machine for kids."
Harrymort starts ranting again. "He still saw you as a brother? I suppose you tormented him a lot in the past?"
"Yes, and did not regret it until he conrered me the penultimate time. I even burned his dog alive."
"Well, it makes good food."
"Hmmm... you are more like me than him."
"Of course. He was meek, weak, pathetic, if he still cared about you, abusive bastard! And if he was really virtuous, why didn't he get more women?"
DIO's eyes turn purple. "What did you say about Jojo?"
Harrymort turns into his Nemean Lion form, making a long and redundant explanation about how DIO is obviously attacking. And he turns into a ball like Sonic, avoiding the Space Ripper Stingy Eyes.
Then he roars, not intimidating the bloodsucker at all.
"Is that all you've got, sweetie? A big kitty? Jojo could decapitate me with his bare hands and take me down for a hundred years with his throat pierced!"
Harrymort lunges, his unicorn speed surpassing any vampire's... but DIO appears right behind him.
"Weakling, weakling. Let's see how you deal with these knives, my dear!"
He throws knives with exceptional strength, and they go very fast. They hit the Nemean Lion and bounce off its skin. The lion lunges two more times, but DIO keeps dodging with ease. He also dodges a third time, and Harrymort tries to figure out how DIO is teleporting.
Yes, obviously he is teleporting. And he will of course emerge behind or on top of him, and Harrymort makes a long exposition about why. After his fourth lunge, Harrymort plans to immediately turn and attack behind him.
Suddenly, he has no idea how, he is launched backwards, a hole in his belly.
DIO chuckles. "Weakling, weakling! You need to try harder than that, love!"
Harrymort changes back to human form. And makes a long rant. "Ugh... vampires are all supposed to be weak and pathetic. My unicorn parts are faster than any weak bloodsucker. Soon, this hole will close as my body heals itself. That's the power of the fairy magic."
"You know, your rants are boring. Fitting someone who pretends to be a Joestar. To be clever and crafty and brave."
Harrymort knows how to deal with vampires. He draws his bow and prepares a shield-piercing, fiery arrow with acid and light, straight to the heart, to make sure he ends any vampire, no matter how powerful.
DIO extends his arms and yells "ZA WARUDO!"
Both Harrymort and the arrow freeze, and DIO gets behind the dark wizard. Then he equips his Stand.
"An attack that combines a lot of lethal things? Wow. Getting a lot of power handed to you is an advantage, but against people who know what they are doing, it is...
FUTILE! FUTILE! FUTILE! FUTILE! FUTILE!"
After landing a lot of punches with his Stand, DIO launches Harrymort straight into his own arrow.
Time flows once more, and the bisexual vampire raises his fist to finish off Harrymort... who draws a cross to scare the bloodsucker.
DIO falls to the ground. "No! You found my weakness! Small crosses! I am scared!"
Then he gets up. "Hinjaku, hinjaku!"
Harrymort is about to launch another rant about how crosses should work, but he decides to use Aquamenti instead to decompose his body.
DIO gets hit by it and actually knocked down. "Amazing. You made me almost as wet as my minions, Vanilla Ice and Pucci, do."
Harrymort starts getting pissed off. A vampire shouldn't be able to stand up to him. He casts mighty flames and makes three streams home on DIO from three directions.
The World blocks the front stream, but the other two hit the bisexual vampire and start burning him.
"WRYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
Harrymort smirks. "Yes! Now you are acting like a vampire!"
DIO knows he has lost the advantage. However, he is not someone who will spare bystanders. Knowing the damage from the flames would take a long time to heal by itself, he stops time and runs from the fight. He spots one of the Dryads and drinks all of her blood. He didn't know that she would return if her tree was intact, or that he would do her a favor if she did die.
He just wanted to heal at someone's expense.
And he returns.
Harrymort is surprised. "You must be a minion of Voldemort. No, Dumbledore!"
"Who are they? And I serve nobody but myself! People serve ME!"
Harrymort casts giant lions of flames and scorches the ground. The houses nearby are destroyed, but Harrymort knows he can rebuild them and people will thank him for it. DIO enjoys the destruction, aware he would die himself if he wasn't able to stop time and fly. He does so and gets in a very safe distance.
"He is too powerful. I must beat him before the Sun rises! I have the perfect weapon for that."
Harrymort stands triumphant. "He probably ran away. Cowardly vampires. They can't attack anyone who can actually fight back. For this victory, I am going to get some women. Maybe a female Joestar would like to join my Dryads..."
And he starts ranting about how much of a god he is and how he is the true hero his old self and that Jojo never were, and how people need to worship him now for his heroism.
Then he hears a very loud voice from the sky.
"RODA ROLLA DA!"
Harrymort would manage to resist a steamroller if he was still the Nemean Lion... but DIO stops time and prevents him from transforming. So the road roller smashes the human form of Harrymort, who can't even dodge! Then DIO starts elbowing the steamroller to make it burrow underground. "MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA!"
And it crashes through the street.
"I did it. Puny humans and trees! I shall rule you all! Bow down to your one true master!"
But suddenly, the road roller starts shaking. DIO charges the Space Ripper Stingy Eyes.
And as Harrymort, back to the Nemean Lion, barely managed to get out due to his injuries, the Space Ripper Stingy Eyes pierce his open mouth with ease.
"Finally. This will make you shut up."
K.O.!
Both were cocky, and Harrymort was powerful enough to damage DIO. But he forgot DIO was just as evil and far smarter than Harrymort. The Space Ripper Stingy Eyes could bypass durability, the road roller was useful unless Harrymort became a Nemean Lion, and of course the Time Stop helped DIO dodge Harrymort's overpowered arrows with ease. Also, DIO doesn't have some common vampire weaknesses like the cross.
In the end, DIO did a good deed and had no idea.
The winner is DIO.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-22 12:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-03-22 12:57 pm (UTC)Still, even now, Harrymort didn't get handed knowledge of Time Stop. And I could have Lionheart make him use Hamon. DIO would still win. DIO would always win the fight, even in Part 1.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-22 01:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-03-22 01:35 pm (UTC)